Common Students That Martial Arts Instructors See

This section taken from a hilarious thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student descriptions are similar. I found it funny that I recognized every single one of the "students" - and so I didn't want to drop any of the variations.

1. Question Lad (aka. What-If?). This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki.

2. Captain Slacker. Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki.

3. The Interpreter. Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.

4. The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.

5. The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.

6. The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him"

7. The Vince Lombardi Wannabe. Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.

8. The Whiner. Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)

9. The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE.

10. The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.

11. The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)

12. The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.

13. The Clueless. He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. [Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.]

14. The macho newbie. He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. ;) (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)

15. The macho old-timer. He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! ;), and then quickly move on to the next partner.

16. The "in my previous dojo"'er. Need I say more? :) Solution: send him on to his next dojo.

17. Ninja Bob. Is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.

18. Every sifu's best friend. wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)

19. Mr. Agreeable. Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original.

20. Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.

21. Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.

22. The glass menagerie. Think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave.

23. The natural. Has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)

24. Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)

25. Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.

26. Variant 1 on Satori Man. all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.

27. Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality bullshit", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for shit". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.

28. The Ogler. The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this.

29. The Drifter. Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)

30. The Hasbeen. used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students.

This is by no means an exhaustive list - but it certainly covers many of the non-normal "types" I've seen :o)

"Martial Arts Humor"

Top 10 Reasons for Studying the Martial Arts

By Danny Abramovitch

10. Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.

9. Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.

8. Never run out of kindling wood again.

7. No need to wonder what belt to wear.

6. Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.

5. These uniforms make nice pajamas.

4. Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.

3. Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.

2. Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And number one reason for studying martial arts:

1. (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.

"Martial Arts Humor"

Iron Crotch Kung Fu

Someone write this to me, and you can see what my response was. The scary part of the following is that what he wrote to me is true, and used to be practiced.

I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration of Kung Fu)

1. Find a large heavy rock.
2. Place rock on a near by wall.
3. Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock.
4. Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum.
5. Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock off the wall and let swing.

The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your chi.


Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky testosterone-based macho attitude.


It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a plank.

Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :o)

"Martial Arts Humor"

You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...

By De Stewart

Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.
1. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

2. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

3. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

4. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

5. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

6. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

7. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

8. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

9. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

10. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.

Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there.

"Martial Arts Humor"

You Might Be a Martial Artist If...

- You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.

- You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.

- You answer your boss Ussss.

- You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table.

- You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.

- You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.

- Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.

- When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.

"Martial Arts Humor"

The Zen Pizzeria

A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."

"Martial Arts Humor"

The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

(Part II)

13. Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.

12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.

11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.

10. The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.

9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.

8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.

7. Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.

6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.

5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.

4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"

3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.

2. Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.

And Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...

1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?

Part I

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

"Martial Arts Humor"

The Top 12 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

(Part I)

12. Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."

11. All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies.

10. Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door, half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.

9. Other students show up with sketchbooks.

8. Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and co-ordinating ascots.

7. Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking goin on.

6. The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps french fry baskets.

5. As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor say "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."

4. You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbati and throwing feces at your attacker.

3. You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.

2. Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.

And Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

1. At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."

Part II

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

"Martial Arts Humor"